Beauty · ChooseToday · Life

Disappointments and Failures

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“The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live.”

– Dr Joan Borysenko, medical scientist and psychologist (b.1945).

We have all experienced one, sometime or another. Disappointments or a failure that is.   Did this affect how you choose to live your life? Did a certain disappointment affect you as a child and make you the way you are today? Or maybe not even as a child but in your adult life? Or has a failure stopped you from choosing your dreams?

Definition of DISAPPOINT

transitive verb
: to fail to meet the expectation or hope of : frustrate <the team disappointed its fans>

Fail·ure

[feyl-yer] 

noun 1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success:

I have had many disappointments. And I have had many failures. Even more so as an adult, that have made me question everything I believe in. I have failed or feared of failing which makes me question every dream and put fear in the place of living. I’ve questioned God. Why god, why do we have to suffer in this painful world? But then on the flip side there is so much beauty yet so many of us can ‘t even touch or see a glimpse of it and I ask why?

Its hard when you are in your lowest of lows and trying to make a choice to come out of the dark and back into the light. We really do have a choice, a tough choice, but its our to make. Our choices are infinite in measure.  Will I let life’s disappointments change me? Will I let them overcome me and make me worthless and feel sorry for myself? I can honestly say I have let the darkness take me and poison my mind. My thoughts tell me I am worthless. I am a failure. I am not good enough.  But I stop it, I shout at them at the top of my lungs, I have made a decision to fight those poisonous, all consuming thoughts.  I will choose the impossible and choose it today as it is overtaking me. I ask myself what choice will I choose today to make a difference?! To love myself, to be joyful even in sorrow, to smile, to help others and as I list these out I realize the infinite amount of positive decisions I can replace the darkness with. I can use a bad situation and change myself for the better and to really live life, learning how to enjoy every moment it brings through sorrow, through joy, through life and through death.  I have to choose to decide what to do to face my fears and to overcome disappointment. Life can be sad and painful but it can also be an absolutely, positively amazing and beautiful experience. It is still a work in progress but I am taking the steps to find myself and to choose a more positive way. If I  choose to let my letdowns define me in a positive way than I have actually become a better person. I am stronger. I have more faith. I am one with my spiritual soul. I can feel. I can actually feel the spirit within me. I become alive and my eyes have opened and I am awake, really awake!

We have a choice to be interconnected with the spirit and our earth world. And in this Earth we need to find our purpose. What path to take? How will we let our choices affect us? How will we let things we have no control of take us over? Our minds polluted, sad, lost, our souls fighting for good and evil. All is not lost. Even when we feel it is. What do you really want out of life? What can you do to make a difference or to fulfill your purpose in this life? Can we take a bad moment and change it for the good to help others? I believe so. How do we do this? I am still figuring that out but I know by helping others to realize that we all are really not that different. We all have our wants, our needs, our lifelong dreams and we also have our bad things and the feelings that we are worthless or that there’s no reason to try any longer. Fight, make that choice to get on the right track. Be positive. Face your fears. Choose the impossible! Luke 1:37 “Nothing is impossible with our God”   I can let my sadness overcome me and take my mind and my soul or I can say hey sad pathetic life I throw you out and I start fresh. And I will share that with others to let them know, you do have a choice!

When  a sad event happens  such as when my son was hospitalized and diagnosed with a disease he will have forever , I felt all was lost in this world. I felt that everything in our world was tumbling down and no one understood my pain. No one could feel it because they weren’t going through it. Its hard to keep smiling and saying yeah this is our new normal, everything’s fine,  but really I wanted my old normal. I let my old normal overrule my thoughts and let that consume me.  Some may not think diabetes is a big thing but it is something that silently affects you and its painful to watch your child suffer when there is nothing you can do about it. I know people live with this disease all the time and they have all this cool stuff and man made insulin to help control it but that didn’t matter to me. I want a cure. I don’t want a stupid pump that we have to worry about getting wet and sites falling out,  and not working properly and paying for medication and supplies. Or stupid insulin injections and making sure anytime we go somewhere we are always prepared for all situations. As for now the rest of his life will be worrying and making sure we are on track to keep him alive and as healthy as we can. Watching my babies body become bruised and scarred from all the injections and site changes,well It sucks,Plain and simple. He has lost a part of his childhood. The freedom to be a kid. When my son cry’s to me that he just wants to be a normal kid, it breaks my heart. He has to think about his choices and the fact this disease is about living or dying  every day.  I thought of all the would of’s, could of’s, should of’s and blamed myself for not being able to have a healthy boy. I got angry. I hated God. I hated this world. I did not understand why these things have to happen. And no one could tell me why. Its just part of life. We all suffer and some of us deal with it and some of us don’t. I was in complete darkness. I wanted the past and could not look to the future. But then something changed in me and I started to fight those feelings. God placed dreams of hope in me. He shook me back alive! I started to realize that we could still live, even in our new normal. I had to make a decision of how positive I could be to help my son to have the best life given his disadvantages of living a life of constant uncertainty.  I believe in fighting that sadness and sorrow that polluted my mind.  I believe in an all powerful God. I decided that I believe in healing even if its not in this world or our lifetime. I believe in the Holy Spirit!  My soul is no longer lost. I can say I am truly living.  I feel joy again, I feel alive again! I had to choose this. I had to fight my mind telling me this life is worthless and nothing is worth living for. I had to fight the sadness and darkness that all consuming pain that was overtaking me.  But this is a lie from the pit of darkness. No darkness is going to take me over. I choose the Light!

I believe as a human being we have to go through storms and in that storm we find God. There is a spiritual fight for our souls. What will win? The light or the dark? I still question why we are on this earth but the more I question it, the more I am coming to realize I may never really know that answer until I face death. What I have come to know is we are made to love, to be love and to feel love. We are made to dream and to have hope. That’s all we want. We are made to experience life in all its possibilities. We are made to see beauty and to feel pain but to find our self and to find the dreams that have been lost. We are made to help others when they are stuck in that darkness and can’t seem to come out. That is the object of finding our mission in life. Love, beauty, hope, pain and sorrow. It all intermingles as one and how we deal with it.

We have Infinite choices- what choice will you make when you have faced disappointment?

“When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”

– Morrie Schwartz, American educator and writer (1916 – 1995)

“… almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

– Steve Jobs, American Entrepreneur, Apple co-Founder (b.1955)

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