This time last year I was a complete and utter mess. At a very, dark place. I held on but barely by a thread. I tried my best to hide my pain except a few bad days of being an emotional mess. I wanted to be strong for my family, and for me. If I break, everyone breaks. It’s that simple. I didn’t realize how much so but there was a load of bricks piled high on me and if I dropped it everything could spiral out of control. How did I give myself so much control? No one should have that. Because truthfully my life is not my own, it’s just not and I have too much faith to believe otherwise or maybe it could be I don’t have enough faith. Who knows? I do know that I was created by the One and Only- God. How do I know this? Can’t explain I just know. But don’t get me wrong I still question everything everyday. That’s how we learn, by questioning, investigating and learning.
I have always been an emotional person since I can remember. I would cry in my room as a kid/teen never really knowing why. I enjoyed laying down listening to music and just being alone. in some ways I still enjoy that. Now it can come in an early morning reading or praying and drinking my coffee. Taking in what the day may have in store and being ready to tackle it. As a kid and even still in my adult life, I cared too much about the facts of life, people’s opinions of me and I just never felt quite that I fit in. I was caring too much.I never could understand it all. I want to now why things are why they are. I would blame God. I have been so angry with him. I question everything, wondering this purpose. Theres no filter on me. My eyes are wide open. My mind is running wild trying to figure it out. Within my dark emotions last year I was really lost. I was so angry at God.” God it is your fault we keep suffering, I’m a good person, why so much struggle? I thought if i believed in you, life would be easy and why did you create us in the first place , what’s the purpose to be in this stupid painful world where theres so much death, hurt, anger,suffering, sadness etc?” I also can not understand why because I have believed in you all my life and I feel I’m a good christian …. or am I? These were my thoughts and i was questioning myself, my beliefs, anything I’ve ever known or been taught was going on in my head. My prayers or my conversation to God was these things as I laid down in bed at night silently crying myself to sleep. I started to have many conversations with Him over trying to understand such a beautiful painful life and what is my purpose. I really felt like I didn’t really know how to explain to people my real pains and thoughts. I was ashamed. And I felt like a failure because I was mad at God and the fact he made me. I felt worthless. I didnt want this life anymore. I wasn’t good at this life. This life is too hard and I want to give up. I’m good at giving up when the going gets tough. And honestly nothing made sense any longer. But through the questions and my utter lack of confidence of being alive I realized there are 3 things that I will never give up on – believing in the God above- even if I’m angry and question everything above the sun I still believed and I know He’s real; my husband – no matter how many times we really just didn’t want to be married anymore I hung on tight and Im so glad because we love so much more today than ever before (God heals relationships he really does) and then my kids- they are my everything they are why I awake in the morning and go on in this beautiful yet painful life- they are my life – my husband and I created together to grow and train up in the way they should go and they love me no matter what faults I find in myself. I could not give for these three things.
I had a revelation a few months ago- I finally realized how sad and burdened and angry I was. I did not realize how worthless I felt. I was having an internal battle. We had went to church after missing very many services month after month, because I just didn’t want to go. At that service for some reason I let go of all of it and broke down, sobbed and forgave myself. I had to love myself again and it’s not my fault and I’m still a good person. Whats even more amazing, I’m still loved even when I don’t feel worth it.
I feel so much lighter almost like I’m in a haze or floating! How do I explain it? I can’t really its just something I feel. I can still be the emotional roller coaster I am but it’s just different. I guess it may be called peace. I see a light at the end of my tunnel and I’m finding my purpose and I am dreaming again.
What made me go to such a dark place? It’s actually many things over the years but the one that finally suffocated me was my sons diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. Feeling like no one knew what was going on or quite understood the magnitude of pain this disease causes. Many times I just prayed that it would go away, that the Drs. were wrong. I have studied many nutrition books, blogs, websites etc etc out there so maybe I could find an answer. The thing is there is not one clear answer. I do believe it starts with what we put in our bodies though. I will never really know why he has to suffer for this and I do question this- is the man made insulin he has to take going to cause problems later on in life? Thoughts going on deep in my brain can be very negative but I fight it. Type 1 diabetes won’t ever go away- medically. It NEVER sleeps. When I think we are doing good something like a simple cold turns his blood sugars all whacko and we have to fight to get his numbers back under control. Or I mess up on his pump change and don’t realize he’s going in a diabetic ketoacidosis again until he wakes up the next morning and his numbers grossly high, he’s sluggish and thirsty and grumpy and I check his site and the tubing got bent and never went in. These times make me so upset I get mad at myself and blame myself that he never again will live a normal carefree childhood Or adult life again. He can eat healthy and exercise all he wants but he will be dependent on insulin and the wild range of blood sugar readings no matter what we do because his body decided to stop working and attack itself.
But then if I know that God is a God of making the impossible, possible then why cant he heal my son? Good question. This is why I was so angry. I don’t know and I cant answer it. Instead I decided to look at it differently now. Sadness and anger and worry was not helping. We live in a world where there is much pain and suffering and not enough positive so maybe with this problem we are dealt we find good and we have a story to tell and we bring healing to people by growing our families back together and getting a voice heard to finding a cure. Not many understand type 1 diabetes. It’s considered rare but have you read about all the supposedly rare diseases and then when it happens to your child they aren’t so rare after all? Devastating news can actually bring you closer if you let it. It can create a healing in your heart you didn’t know you needed. This is why I don’t blame God any longer.
Our food system is horrible and the environment of toxins has become abundant no wonder there’s an overload of diseases consuming our bodies. I’m making changes. It starts with us. I choose what we eat and what we put on or in our bodies and by doing this we are healing our sickened bodies. It could be healed by a miracle of God and I pray for an ultimate healing. But I also believe we need to change our mindset and look at how we feed and nurture ourself. I started to look at our food and I started to focus on what these labels said and I became disgusted at all the long lists of man made chemicals in our food and products we use on our bodies and cleaning supplies. My middle boy has celiac so this started the big label reading a few years ago and then with diabetes we have to carb count and it becomes a real eye opener. In my lifetime I believe my son could be healed but its not always in our time or a healing in which I planned. It could be a healing of a different sort. I decided to start with our lifestyle and how we eat and what we eat. We are going to find a positive side to it and for now we deal with this disease the best that we can. I hope and pray people understand the devastation type 1 is because its hard, really hard.
I’m thankful for having a faith and trust that no matter how angry or how much I can blame God I’m always loved and I don’t have to hide my pain. I’m free of bondage and I am on the road to find my dream and purpose. For now its to fight this disease and get it known to find a cure and to change the way we eat and what we put on our bodies. My children will know they can do anything they put their mind to. I’m still figuring the plans to our purpose and my dreams but they are big! Anyone else feel this way? I say everyone should start doing research. Look at your food Labels, go through your pantry or fridge, medicine, cleaning supplies and see what you are ingesting. It just may shock you.