It’s amazing how you can let the darkness surround you, it happens before you even realize it. It is a darkness both literally and mentally living in Alaska. We get the darkness here in the winter for what feels like a long time and every winter with that darkness I set in to my hibernation mode and with it my mood gets down. Its cold and dark and i just want to be home and I’m really ok not seeing anyone. I kind of feel I might not be a joy to be around anyway.
For most of winter I was pretty quiet and in a fog. I just wanted to hide. I decided all aspects of being social didn’t matter anymore. I felt sorry for myself and just needed to gather my thoughts and ponder what this life I’m living really means. I was angry with being unable to control my children being sick and being thrown a bad hand in life with what seemed like one blow after another! I’m not sure it was depressed but maybe something like it.
I’ve been an emotional person as far as I can remember and things effect me deeply. I remember being a kid and I would just break down and cry, not really knowing why but I felt sad. A deep deep sad. My mom would try and fix it but she couldn’t. I would just have to be sad and then I’d feel better.
As I’ve gotten older I can hold it in better and don’t cry as hard. I’m still a very emotional person in a different way. I can build a wall and block out the world. It’s my way to deal. Especially if I’m hurting. I feel guilt because I know there are others hurting more than I do and i should not have this sad feeling. I should be enjoying every moment and soaking up the blessings i do have. But thats the thing when darkness creeps in, it makes it hard to see your blessings. You have to fight really hard to find them. I’m human and sometimes I struggle. I just don’t always understand it, why do we have to suffer so much? Sometimes the pain in this world overwhelms me,I shut down. There are parents who lose their kids or kids who lose parents or you hear of people you know and their families falling apart or some story you hear that just breaks your heart and its just a sad, sad,mad world. Im a believer but still I question God. Why are we in this world?why is there so much suffering? It breaks my heart. I want to be strong. How can little old me be a voice in the darkness that surrounds us.I want to be a better person, help others, do more great things, be significant! I get lost trying to find myself and figuring out my purpose.
I have many dreams and I’m stumbling trying to find which ones meant for me. But as I’m stumbling on this path called life I’m learning lessons along the way. When I’m down in a deep pit there is still so much goodness that comes out. There still are truly good people out there and for that I’m thankful. And for that I keep going and dig my way back out and find the small light peaking in the huge tunnel of darkness.
My main goal has been to focus on my family. This past year there has been many changes and I felt like home was my heart. Thats all I wanted and the only place I wanted to be. We wanted life to be a little simpler among the cards that we had been dealt. I was finding my peace amongst my mind of complete and utter chaotic thoughts. This change brought isolation. I embraced isolation. It’s ok I kind of like being alone. I wasn’t being mean by shutting people out I just needed to find me and find my joy in a sea of sad. I think I’m always going to struggle with this because it’s who I am but as I’m aging I’m getting a better handle on it. I’m dealing with disappointments better and understanding no matter what there’s a sad story and I pray out of that can come growth and blossom of some sort of hope. It’s finding beauty amongst all the pain.
Life’s too short to always focus on the sadness. I am so utterly blessed that I forget that. I forget how much I’m loved and my job is to be a mother and love and raise my kids the best that I know how. It’s my decision my convictions that lead me in the direction I should go and no one else’s. That’s what makes life exciting the difference of opinions and to just love one another even though we have differences. Loving that’s the goal!
With my happiness, it’s getting lighter and the days are getting longer. It takes the darkness away. I love this time of year. As I’m focusing on being thankful I’m also going to embrace the pain life throws our way because if it were not for it I would not be as strong as I am today!