I’m tired today. I am not the one with diabetes yet it overwhelms my mind. I have this constant worry will hunter be ok? And why does he have to suffer with this? He is such a good boy but he has to deal with this stupid disease. We have had to increase hunters insulin because he was having a lot of high blood sugars but with more insulin it ends up that he gets more low blood sugars and that frightens me. I don’t ever want to have to give him a glucagon shot because I am scared to death of it. Diabetes is a tricky thing especially when you are a kid and just starting to go through puberty. I mean some kids have had this since they were so little how did they ever deal with all these shots and constant monitoring, it makes my head hurt. Some days we are doing really well and in a good swing of things and then other days not so much. Today is Monday which makes for a bad day. I woke up exhausted and I have a lot of worries about him but I am trying to be positive. Just because its Monday it should not automatically be bad but the weekend went by too fast and now its back to keeping super busy. I like the weekends of hanging out with my family and not having to run around doing lots of things. I want to keep us all at home where I can control the environment but that’s not how it works so I let the freedom take over. It absolutely scares me to death when hunter stays the night places even though he is always in good hands where i let him stay but I’m still scared so I just try and act calm and cool. Its all good. I pray under my breath a million times a day though. It makes my head hurt trying to make sure I put on a good show for Hunter that I’m not scared for him but I am. I get on him all the time and I hate it I need to stop. Sometimes He just wants to act like a kid and I need to remember he is a kid still. Last night he decided to eat some M& M’s, he said he took insulin to cover it but I’m not sure it was enough. At dinner and his bedtime check his blood sugars were really high and his little sister tattled on him that he got into the candy. So of course I start hounding him about how much did he eat and how much insulin did he take and blah blah blah ” hunter you know you have to be careful” He just looks sad and then I kick myself cause I was too hard on him. grrr why I can’t I get it right. I know its not easy for him. But my mommy instincts make me react so instead of explaining I’m really scared I get angry. I need to remember the Danny Silk parenting classes I took- anger does not help the situation. He has been doing so well for the last 5 months and he has a pretty good control on how he feels and watching his body and blood sugars. He is so responsible for a 12 year old, I just need to stop being so hard on him. I think that’s one reason I am sad today and my mind is tired. I also have bad thoughts that run through my head and I am afraid. I think I seem to hide stuff pretty decent on outside except for being quiet its cause my mind is always thinking and in my own world. One of my biggest fears has always been to wake up and find my loved ones not breathing. Its like a nightmare that haunts me. I have had two scares in the last few years of being close to losing my loves, the first was with Steve when he was immediately hospitalized for what they thought was a blood clot behind his heart when he had a heart attack and then hunter when he was going into DKA ( Diabetic Ketoacidosis). I remember being outside of myself and acting calm when these things happened, I thought I bet people don’t think I care because I am so calm but deep down I am not so calm. When I was younger I could cry at the drop of the hat but now I seem to be able to control my emotions a lot better. I still can have break downs but not like I use to its weird like I can control it, I don’t want people to know whats going on so I need to hide. I have put up a wall and I am screaming inside my head to let it out. I need to release this its wearing me down and I want to enjoy life and bring joy to my family. I will never understand why hunter has to deal with it. He just deserves to have a fun life and enjoy things with out always worrying about what his blood sugars are but this is the hand life dealt him so I am going to do my best to be his support system and let him know he can do great things even with this disease and I hope we can be a part of finding things to make diabetics lives easier and find a cure. They say insulin dependent diabetes is rare and only 10% of population get it well my son is part of the 10% and I don’t find it so rare there needs to be more studies out there. I read these diabetic magazines and a lot of them are about how to prevent diabetes but they are talking about type 2 which you can prevent through diet and exercise but the kind hunter has just can happen and no one knows why. why don’t they know why? its been around for years seriously why haven’t they figured it out all those smart Doctors and technology. I am so confused and angry. Its like cancer why cant they find a cure? is it cause the big pharma companies make so much money for the drugs that are used like insulin and chemotherapy?! The blood sugar test strips that we have to get are $1.10 for each strip hunter uses over 200 each month! The costs disgusts me. That is something he has to do to keep his sugars in check and make sure we are giving right doses of insulin and then you add in the two different kinds of insulin and the glucose monitors and the glucagon shot- how is this afforded if you don’t have insurance? I want to figure out why does our body attack itself and why do these things happen. I mean it has to be in our food or air or something I know genetics are a part but there is some people who carry genes of all sorts and nothing happens but then to others it does. Its mind boggling and I am on a mission to figure it out. I hate my kids being sick and all I really want them to be is just be healthy there is too much other crap in life to deal with let alone medical issues. But I guess I will never really understand so I am going step out to stop it! In todays technology there should be so much more figured out and now we are on our mission in life!